If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I understand Curling. That high.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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