You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
