A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
