The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
