And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
