best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
