I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
