not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
