I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
