Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
