my mouth tastes like poor choices
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
