Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
