She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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