Soap is not a condiment
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
