I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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