How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My cat gives me a boner
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
