Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
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A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
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All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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