here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
