Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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