My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
