he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
