FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
