cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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