cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
