So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
