He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
