he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
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