why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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