Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
they need to just BURY HIM!
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
