Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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