Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
