Where did you get a picture of my penis
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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