I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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