You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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