so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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