Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
