so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
