I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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