you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
vagina is talking i cant
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
