You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
