I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
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