wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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