My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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