she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
