The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
