you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
