This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
