mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
