Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
