Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
