You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
