i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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