He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize