I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
