I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
